Live This Week! Intestinal Revolt! Opening for Ambiguous Stomach Bug!*

Well. The title of yesterday's post was so very inappropriately named.

When you call in sick to work, you should be prepared for the giant bitch-slap you receive the next day. You should not be lulled into a false hope that things are settling down and the Crazies have better things to do than harass you. You should not take a Tranquil Wednesday as indication of a Genial Friday.

Because apparently, yesterday they forgot to take their medication...

And I had seventeen messages on my machine when I got in this morning. And fifteen emails. All not including the twenty-or-so calls I received from 9-1.

Apparently, it became an emergency yesterday that Mr. H, who lives in Florida, know whether or not his gutters have been cleaned out this spring. He called me 4 times. And once today.

And Mrs. R has a broken limb hanging over her brick patio wall. She needed it removed NOW. She called me twice and then the Property Management company's office once, telling them that I had told her to call them (But I didn't. I was not there yesterday. LIAR!) While I was listening to her two messages on my voice mail, my call-waiting beeped. It was her. She wanted to know when the limb would be removed. I told her we would get to it ASAP. She wanted me to call her back to tell her when it was done. I said, "Well, no. When you look outside and don't see it, then you'll know it's done." (I might have gotten a little shitty with her. But she's a LIAR.)

Mr. L, who lives in an adjoining neighborhood, and who dumped a ton of raked up leaves onto our property which subsequently caught fire this spring, burning down his fence, is still harassing us, looking for a reason to sue. I let him know we knew about the leaves and that probably would have exacerbated the blaze. He stammered around a lot. And blamed a contractor.

Two women on L********t Lane. apparently had brown water coming out of the faucet and low water pressure and wanted to know if we were doing anything to the water. (OH, DAMN! Is that what that big knob in the bathroom is for? For Christ Sake, people! Take some freakin' responsibility and call the Water Company! I mean, DUH! How many Homeowner's Associations do you know of that have control over your water?)

Another Mr. H had a freakfest of the hugest kind when he came home to see his trim painted white and called me all-shitty-like to tell me that white was not the color he had asked for and he expected it to be repainted NOW. He called me back today to say that it was primer and to disregard his two messages. (He didn't mention how assholey he was when he left the messages.)

And, finally, but not-by-a-long-shot last in the list of Irritations, Crazy Grass Lady. On Wednesday morning the maintenance man laid an entire $50-bag of seed around her building. That afternoon, she came and got another bag from him with the understanding that he needed to put down some seed later and would be stopping by in a few hours to pick up the remaining seed. When he got there, she informed him it was gone. She had used the entire bag. One hundred dollars worth of seed in one day. Later that day, a friend of hers called to request that we seed. I told her we didn't have any but as soon as we did, we would come over and seed her front lawn. "But 'my good friend, CGL, down the street got seed today."

"And she took it all. That's why it's gone."

And then she tried to defend CGL, "Well, you should know that she has spent much of her own money over the years on the common areas around her house."

She should know that CGL has gotten on my last nerve and there is no defense left for her. "Yes, but she used $100 worth of grass seed in one day and we don't have $100 to spend on seed for each of the 73 buildings in the neighborhood."

Silence.

You should know that CGL has taken advantage of me, the maintenance man, and the Association more times than anyone knows. But I am on to her and it is O.V.E.R.

So today. She calls to offer me a check for $48.50 for the bag of grass. Her friend had told her what I said. "No, CGL, that's not necessary, but I will be less generous in the future." She refused to recognize that there were actually 2 bags of seed strewn around her house totaling $100. She also turned it all around to act like we were paying too much for grass and she called the manager of Home Depot trying to find out if we could get a discount but we couldn't unless we bought in bulk and that I should call Home Depot and talk to the manager and that if we bought seed from the nursery down the street then we'd save in gas. I told her that it was none of her business and that I would handle it. She also said that she would appreciate it if I kept HOA business to myself. (Are you REALLY going there?) I informed her that the reason I told her friend was that her friend had called looking for grass and after I told her we didn't have any, she acted like I was lying because CGL had gotten some just that day.

Really, I don't mean to drone on and on in a most boring "she said, she said" manner, but I cannot express how INCREDULOUS I am over this woman's behavior and all of the insane things she has done, most of which I haven't shared. And I know I've said it before, but my patience with this woman has been exceeded and abused and there is no more. Things will only get uglier from here on out. (Hi Beth!)

*Credit goes to Annie.