But as it was noticed at 6pm we needed to try a home remedy:
Send Dillon to CVS for Preparation-H, K-Y Jelly & Saline Solution. As he walks out the door, he hollers, "Do you want to add on some condoms or tampons to make my humiliation complete?" (Desperately wish I was there to see him approach register with crazy assortment of personal items. Laugh in an evil manner to myself.)
Rinse off exposed tissue with saline solution.
Soak lizard in a lukewarm sugar/water solution (3/4 c. sugar , 1 1/2 c. water) for 10-20 minutes. (Multi-task. Do this while cooking shortribs in a red wine/mustard sauce. It makes lizard VERY nervous. He is afraid he's marinating and keeps trying to climb the sides of the
Meanwhile, have Dillon clean out tank to remove all substrate and replace with newspaper. Have Mac hold her hands over Stanley to comfort him.
Take lizard out of water and gently remove any substrate remaining on his intestines.
Apply Preparation-H with Q-Tip.
Apply K-Y Jelly to fingers and gently try to push butt back in.
Find yourself unsuccessful (I am not a Trained Medical Professional) while realizing that Dillon has an appointment with the Dentist tomorrow for initial molds for Invisalign, thus interfering with Emergency Vet Plan A. (Realize, absurdly, that Dentist may need to be put off for Exotic Vet*.)
*On reread, this conjures up a woman in stilletos and a labcoat pole dancing. Dare me to make the call with a straight face.
Lube tissue up and take Stanley back up to his new sterile habitat. Notice that Dillon lined cage with the funny papers. (Think what a thoughtful kid he is. Smile.)
Put Stanley on tree branch and apoligize to him for having such a shitty day. With his butt hanging out and all...
Go to bed worrying not about the Spousal Unit or Babies or Dog. Worry about the lizard.
Wonder... Could my life get any weirder?
5 comments:
I am torn between nausea and sympathy.
Ok, it's mostly sympathy. Poor guy! Poor YOU!
Note to self: Do not buy a lizard.
OK, throw in a pack of condoms, some cigarettes, and a pregnancy test, and I think Dillon may have been scared for life. That was hysterical!
I'm dying with laughter!!! I'm sorry for Dillon... sorry for the lizard... Wishing I was a fly on the wall when you have to make that phone call. Thank you for the realism of life!
Now that's something you could list on your "How I'm qualified to be a CO's Wife" list - Lizard proctologist (I believe that's the right word). I was laughing hysterically at the list and imagining Dillon going to get all the stuff. Too funny & thanks for the laugh, I needed it between all the sickness around here.
Knowing D, he probably shouted out for a price check on the Preparation H while he was up at the register. You are a stellar Mom for even trying to reinsert a lizard rectum. I could actually see the little guy sweating as you stirred the ribs...
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