HGTV Should Totally Give Me a Show

...in under 8 days.

Just Some Stuff

Stuff I Don't Like:

• When I go out to lunch with a friend, who happens to be a guy (it was NOT a date), and he eats WAY less than I do. I'm not ok with that. (You know who you are - if we happen to go out to lunch again, you need to eat more so as to make me feel comfortable. :) )
• My job. (31 days and counting!)
  
• When I make a Smoked Turkey Sandwich for lunch but neglect to pull the little wax paper off the slice of Muenster Cheese. And I also don't like how it took me more than half the sandwich to realize I was eating paper. (I was hungry. Probably because I didn't get enough to eat at aforementioned lunch.)
• Stone lions at someone's front door. (Unless you live in a palace. Or a temple. Then I'm ok with that.)
  
• When two different realtors call to tell us they are each going to make an offer on the house last Friday, and then don't.
• Ironing.
  
• Women who call my office all riled up and complaining that the landscapers mowed her grass today and did a "terrible job and left the grass bumpy". (I don't even know what this means! How do I fix it? Especially when I don't care...)
• Realtors who leave my front door unlocked after showing my house.
  
• Receiving my final divorce papers in the mail today. (It was final as of April 24th.) "Hello, Paige, here is tangible evidence of yet another failed marriage. One more and you're eligible for the Frequent Divorcer's Discount."

Stuff I Like:

• When two different realtors, who saw the house Saturday, call us today to say they are writing an offer tomorrow. (If only to validate my feelings that I have an awesome house and one of these days, someone is going to want to buy it.)
  
• Women who call my office and complain that the landscapers mowed her grass today and did a "terrible job and left the grass bumpy" in a really thick spanish accent so I can make fun of them for the rest of the day.
• Cookies.
• When I'm having a crappy day at work and my friend Julian calls because he's having a Really Crappy Day (new transmission - $4,000) and said he just needed to hear a happy person so I tell him, "I'm sorry, you have the wrong number". And it makes us both crack up and by the time I hang up a few minutes later, we are both smiling.
• My boss. (Hi, Beth!)
  
• Veterinarians who don't blow me off saying, "Oh, it's a reaction to some [mysterious] allergy," when I ask her about Taiko's skin-ick. She FINALLY has an idea what might be wrong with him. Fungal infection. Nasty. (Miss Jackson...)
  
• When Dillon is eating something he Really, Really likes and looks up and me and says with the intensity of a two-year-old, and the seriousness of a judge, "This is delicious."
  
• My super-freaky-clean-house.
• Taking Taiko to work with me because A) he can jump over every baby-gate ever made, and B) when I double baby-gate him in the laundry room, he cries for longer than socially acceptable. Though my neighbors are awesome and haven't complained. Yet...
  

• Getting a card in the mail from Omm with five dollars in it, and Mother's Day Cards from Annie and Jes.
• Watching Mackenzie sing in a chorus of 900 6th graders.

• Opening my fortune cookie to this fortune: "You have a strong desire for a home and your family comes first."

Stuff I Don't Like But Still Makes Me Laugh:

• This photo:

...and this one...

Janet Jackson Keeps Calling...

...but is too shy to say hi when I answer the phone.


What do you suppose she wants? Decorating tips? Parenting advice? My Lasagna recipe? The down-low on the Caipirinha? To borrow a bra? Perhaps some bangin' dance moves?

The next time she calls, I'm going to invite her to come hang out. I don't have much going on these days and from what I hear, neither does she.

What's Better Than Multiple Orgasms?

Multiple offers.

Weekend At Brandi's

Well, there was The Shopping on Friday. Don't get me started again.

But after all that shopping and cart-battling, we were starved. I gave her the choice: Taco Bell. Some little Italian Joint. Subway. Friendly's. (Isn't there an age restriction on Friendly's? I think we may be too spry.) Or the Chinese Joint next to the Italian Joint. Guess what she picked:


You should not be surprised by this. I don't even know why I wasted my breath giving her all the options.

We slept in slightly on Saturday morning because I was paranoid that the Realtors would be knocking my door down First Thing in the Morning wanting to see my beautiful house. They didn't. No one came and we could have slept until noon and then sat around all day in our underwear eating ice cream out of the carton, spitting sunflower seeds on the floor, and not cleaning up after ourselves. I was a little sad.

But then it was time for the Quinceanera party that Mac was invited to by her friend, John-Doe, and with all of the wondering if this was Mac's first date, I forgot all about my despair that no one wanted to buy my house on the very first day and how it was going to sit here rotting and empty and turn into a money pit; the weeds taking over the backyard and the spiders taking over the inside, and refocused on Mac. And her date. John-Doe's cousin was turning 15 and weeks ago he had invited Mac to go with him. No other kids in the class had been invited. I was a little concerned about this, as the Dating Age in our house is 16 (but we all know I will give in at 15 if she wants), but at the same time, is it really a date if she goes with his family? And she's 12? And there's little chance of making out in the front seat? I got a grip and decided it didn't qualify as a date, but asked her anyway. Her response was clear. She had been wondering too, "I don't know! I hope not!" OK! Good to know! So off she went...



...in my shoes...


And then called me later from the party to tell me how much these shoes were killing her feet. I laughed. And told her, "That's the price we pay. Welcome to the sisterhood." She didn't laugh back. ...I hear her feet still hurt.

Meanwhile, I tried to think of non-messy things to do. I made popcorn, watched Deadliest Catch, and began to look forward to living at home with my parents so I have someone to hang out with on Friday and Saturday nights. I'm a wild one, I am.

The Open House was on Sunday. We needed to make ourselves scarce so I invited myself, Mackenzie, and Taiko over to Singing-Lisa's house for the afternoon, where she fed us, Taiko sniffed her entire house, and we chatted for a bit. I was a little distracted and not a good conversationalist, I fear, because I was afraid no one was going to show up back at my house and was silently lamenting the crappy, crappy Market and my decision to price high. Please refer to aforementioned despair and imagine me just knowing that my friend/realtor was sitting in my house alone all afternoon. I told her that in case she got too bored, the Porn was in a red box in the attic. To please help herself.

The stress was for naught. Good things happened, which I will not talk about yet so as not to jinx myself.

(Even though I scoff at those who believe in the power of the jinx. And those who "knock on wood." Especially those who use their heads for said knocking. I double-scoff them.)

Also, I made chicken salad. With grapes:

It was delicious.

Shopping, How Do I Hate Thee? Let Me Count the Ways...

There are several reasons I don't take Mackenzie shopping anymore:

1. She hates everything in the store. It doesn't matter if we're at the Gap, or Target; Limited Too, Nordstrom or Abercrombie. The clothes are too long. Too short. Too loose. Too tight. Too many seams. Too many pockets. Weird buttons. Bows? (Are you kidding?) Too dorky. Too scratchy (She comes by this honestly. I am the Queen of "Too Scratchy" - sorry, Omm). Too pink. Too many flowers. Too "grandma". (Should all of these "too's" have two "o's" in them? They all look funny to me now.) Too matching. Too "Little House on the Prairie"...
2. Turns out, she's much like me and doesn't really care for shopping. Get the two of us together and we can talk ourselves out of shopping any day. (I know. We're an embarrassment to women everywhere.)
3. She's hit the Age of Modesty. When we're in a dressing room together she will contort her body in ways I've only seen little Chinese Acrobats do so that I won't see the Developments. (I don't know how this happened, as up until 3 years ago she was still jumping into the shower with me.)
4. And then there's the Funding Issues. And buying her something that she hates, just so she'll have something to wear is no longer in my budget. From now on I only buy things she LOVES. Sucks to be her.
   

But after school on Friday, we did have to go buy her something to wear on the bottom of her body as in the past month she has grown out of Every Single Pair of Pants and Shorts she owns. She came home from school on Monday in a pair of jeans that were painted on in a way that only Gloria Vanderbilt circa 1981 could be proud of. I don't know how this happened, as I've been feeding them only about half of what I normally do (Annie, I can hear you saying how they would have starved on more than one occasion in Japan if not for you and Carolyn. True Story.) as the new budget only allows for less than half of the old food allowance. (Who wants to come over for lunch? We're having Broth and Stale Bread. We call it "A Tribute to Oliver".) (Shut up! I'm joking! Today we went to Lisa's for lunch.)

OH, the distraction!

Anyway, we went to Kohl's. Friday, we went to Kohl's. She came away with a black skirt (needed for her Chorus Concerts), a dress (needed for the Quinceanera party she was invited to this weekend), a pair of shorts, and a pair of capri pants. And a couple of tank tops.

I came away with this:

Where she ran into me with the cart. (It doesn't look like much, but that's the side of my leg, right where there's a little bump of a bone that sticks out just under my knee... and it hurt enough to make the pretty colors sparkle before my eyes.)

Which leads me to:

#5. Shopping with Mackenzie can be harmful to your health.

Here We Go

Lockbox was put on Friday Night...


...and...



...we're On the Market!

(Open House Sunday. Yikes.)

Makes Me Smile:

So It's Come to This...

I don't have much to say tonight - it's been a l o n g couple of weeks - but we have been taking photos right and left around here. You can check them out on Flickr.

The house should go on the market For Real, this Friday.

(PS - Rach - check it out - I bought lamps for my bedroom and a plant AND flowers for the kitchen! Yay!)

"Bit of Heavy Weather Brewing There."

~Admiral Boom, Mary Poppins

Things have been a bit tense in Virginia today:

1) Work today was off the wall (as illustrated by definition #1: "So crazy that it is hard to understand"). Key word, "crazy". They (said Crazies) were out in force today. I think it was the wind. Around 60 Hearing Notices were delivered today to those who have neglected to bring their properties into compliance with the By-Laws. They've had since August 1st, but were calling today Freaking Out, that after May 2nd they will begin to be assessed $10/day everyday their property is not in compliance*. My phone rang at least 25 times in 4 hours. That is Not Ok.

2) Speaking of The Wind:

• It blew a handful of vent covers, gutter guards, attic fans, and shingles off my neighborhood roofs.
• It downed uncountable limbs and 1 Giant Pine tree, blocking the access to 2 front doors.
• It caused all of Fairfax County Schools to be released 3 hours early (apparently there was fear of mobile/temporary classrooms taking flight much like Auntie Em's House).
• It caused numerous accidents and delays on the already insane even on a beautiful day DC-Metro roads.
  
• It knocked Wiley to the ground at least once (which I laughed at - yes, I can be an insensitive bitch sometimes. In my defense, he was unhurt and laughing also.)
• The driving rain that accompanied it caused at least 3 roofs to leak.
  

3) And then, my friend, J**, who lives in the 'Hood, just sent me an email threatening life and limb and my inheritance of the Ruby Slippers (as his roof is leaking and his vent pipe cover just blew off) with this doctored photo attached:

4) The house needs to be Sale Ready by Tuesday night, as the possibility exists for my Virtual Tour video and MLS photos to be recorded/taken on Wednesday afternoon. So. I spent the evening working on Last Minute Touch-Ups (as we all know were unnecessary but my OCD can't stop tweaking.)

5) The Ex (formerly known as "T") is showing up tomorrow night to pick up his truck and head South (Rach, he'll be in your neck of the woods for about a month if you and Jas are interested), regardless of the fact that he hasn't informed me he's coming asofyet. (Though in his defense, he may have left me a message on my machine as I haven't listened to the messages on my home machine or my cellphone in approx. 3 weeks.) (You should know that if you call me, you shouldn't bother leaving a message because I never listen to them. My apologies.)

5) Virginia Tech.

*Yes, I love the word, "Compliance". Almost as much as I hate the word, "Inappropriate".

**This would be a better alias if his name weren't, in fact, "Jay***".

***Hi, Jay! I love you! Smooches!

~This post brought to you by Chardonnay and Glinda the Pretty Witch****.

****Yes, I know it's Glinda the Good Witch. Shut up. This is my story.

How Today Is Much Like A Rollercoaster

Some days you wake up, roll over, and decide that the whole day is warming up to be a huge, steaming slice of Crap Pizza. This is how I felt about this morning. So I wore my jeans, a t-shirt, a blazer (much like Ellen, nowthatIthinkaboutit), and my running shoes to work so as to be as comfy as possible (and in case I needed to make a quick get-away from The Crazies). As soon as I got there, my theory seemed to be proven right, as I got 2 Crazy Phone Calls right off the bat, was overwhelmed by all of my ToDo piles on my Disaster of a Desk, and only then realized I need to write upwards of 70 letters* by next Tuesday and have no time Monday or Tuesday to stay late. Before I could even dig my heels in, I got a call from ADT. My home alarm was going off. She asked if I wanted her to call the police. I told her no, I was 3 minutes from home, that I'd check it out. It wasn't until I was in the car that I realized how that may have been a little dumb. I did bring Wiley with me, though, and made him go in first. We investigated all the rooms. All was secure and we decided that Dog was the culprit when he set off the motion detector alarm (which I accidentally set). Oops. My bad.

*Why didn't I start these earlier, you ask? Duh. I did, but there is So Much To Do at work these days that they had to be shoved to the back burner as Other Things became priority. Unfortunately, now I'm up against a Legally Mandated Deadline so I may be there on Sunday writing them. Grrr.

ANYWAY, so I did get about one-third of the letters done (unfortunately, the easy ones), then talked Wiley into picking us up some lunch at "Chicken Out" (I had the Grilled Chicken Caesar Wrap - mmm) while I started copying the Management Report for next week's meeting and silently lamenting the life of a lowly Secretary/Phone Answering Goddess/Customer Service Punching Bag. Halfway through my Inner-Voice-Tirade, in walks my friend Joe-the-Roofer with a Fruit Basket from Edible Arrangements just for me (yay!) (and on his birthday, no less) from him and Howard-the-Roofer. For thanks (and probably a little bit because I'm a big-fat-whiney-butt, but I'm not going to tell you about that). And it's amazing how a Basket-o-Fruit (WITH chocolate-dipped strawberries) will perk a girl right up! I was SO stoked that I stayed at work until almost 4, a tornado of industry, then came home, did all that paint-touching-up that I've been grumbling about, and even got one coat of paint on the front door. Yay!

I did NOT clean the carpets yet. Why, you ask? (And aren't you allsortsof inquisitive today?) Because the dog threw up on the carpet twice this morning and while I cleaned up the big ick, the stains are still there and I figured if I steam clean the carpets now, Murphy's Law dictates that he will barf all over it while I'm at work tomorrow.

Oh! Tomorrow! Do you realize that Tomorrow is Friday??? Yay! Thank God. And just in the nick of time, too.

(Note to self: Go to ABC store. Buy Cachaca. You're out.)

(And also, the next time you head to the land of Jes & Rachelle, travel WITH the Cachaca as they've never heard of Brazilian liquor down in them there parts.)

(OHMYGOD!!! I just realized! I'm moving to Indiana in just over 2 months! Have they heard of Cachaca in the Midwest? Oh. I'm dizzy.)

In Which Paige Becomes Comatose

On Annie's suggestion from Monday's comments section (because she is The Voice of Reason and we should all listen to her whether we think we need to or not), I took a nap. Last night...

I made dinner for me and the kids (a Real dinner - not just carrot sticks and potato chips like normal), we cleaned it up, and around 6:30, they went to their rooms to do homework and I headed up to my bedroom to return month-old emails and watch some TV. But my bed was so comfy, and my head was so tired, that I laid down for just a few minutes. For I had Things to do; rooms to rearrange! At 9:00 I had "House" to watch!

I was instantly asleep.

For 4 hours. I woke up at 10:30, long after "House" had wrapped, the sun had set, and the kids had put themselves to bed. I checked to make sure the house was locked tight, the alarm set, and the heat turned down, then went back upstairs. I was awake for about an hour. Then fell easily back to sleep and slept until 6:30 this morning.

And I'm still a little tired today.

So I had a cookie.

Who Wants to Buy a House?

Ok. Here's the deal. I am dead tired. 3 of the last 4 weekends have either been spent with Jes and Rachelle at their homes, with my parents at my home, and/or preparing the house to put on the market (T-7 days...).

The house was actually perfect. But I CANNOT just let be and keep nit-picking at the house, trying to make it More Perfect and driving myself nutso. I'd love to say that I recognize this and will stop, but I won't. Even my sheets will be clean for the showings. (Hello, OCD! Why can't we just get along?)

Several rooms are finished (mostly, anyway - I need to buy a couple of plants, a curtain and rod for D's closet "door", and 2 lamps for my bedroom). The photos (so far) can be seen on my Flickr page.

There is still touch-up-painting, carpet-cleaning, pansy-planting, boxes-o-books-relocating (I think they're going to my office as it's hard to hide 6 boxes of books in a house that we're trying very hard not to let people notice is packed to the brim), dead-plant-removing (oops! it was a palm in T's "apartment," otherwise known as the basement and was ignored, literally, to death), and laundry-room-tidying to be done. Everything else is perfect.

See you on the Sold Side....

Helpful Hints From Brandi

Before you decide to ask your gainfully employed husband with a LOT more discretionary income than yourself for a divorce, you should to run to Vicki's and stock up on bras. Because what will happen is that immediately following this discussion with your soon-to-be ex, you will start to lose weight. And your pants that were a bit too snug will start to feel roomy and almost-too-big, but not yet too big to wear (thank God), and slowly, slowly, so that you don't notice it's even happening, your boobs will also shrink, leaving your bras WAY too roomy and you, in your new-found budget-consciousness, will feel that $50 bras from the mall will be considered an extravagance, though you can't quite bring yourself to buy one from Target so you will continue to wear the slightly too-big-bras that will continue to fall off your shoulders because there's nothing to hold the straps in place, and you will be slightly uncomfortable but Free all the same.

And it will be worth it.

Brunette to Blonde

Thank you, Mom, for the free Hair Care!