Paige & Mackenzie Play With the Camera

We thought it was time for us to take a new "Girls Photo." It had been a while.

So we took one... two... and then what you can't see is that just before the shutter clicked in the third photo, Taiko jumped right in front of the camera. It was hi-lar-i-ous.

Especially since you can't see the dog at all!

Best Google Search Ever From My Statcounter

"pics of grils in brole and panes"

Verbatim.

I come up #5 in this Google Search. I can only assume this poor, horny, illiterate bastard from Washington, DC was actually wanting to see "pictures of girls in bra and panties". Instead he found me.

...And I never wear bra and panties.

I Can't Make This Stuff Up

Apparently, while 2008 is the Year of Paige, January is the Month of Misfortune for Paige. I'm assuming this will mean that the rest of the year will finally start looking up.

First, there was the Week of Broken Glass (door, fishbowl, almost door, almost window...),

Then, there was the Week of Household Breakage (curling iron, basement drain, humidifier, dishwasher, garage door*...),

And now we are looking at the the Week of Bathroom Incidents:

Tuesday. I woke up at 6am, jumped in the shower, and began my normal routine... wash and condition hair. Shave under arms. Rinse razor.

(And this is where things got dicey...)

When I swiped the razor (with new blades) behind me to catch some shower water, I got all 3 blades dangerously close to my right buttocks, and sliced myself from hip to mid-bootie. An 8-inch swath of stinging flesh. I checked to see if I was bleeding. Nope. But it stung! Check again. Nope! Finish showering and shaving the legs while periodically checking the bootie for a blood trail.

It wasn't until I got out that the extent of damage was obvious. All over my white towels.

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to bandage your own butt? It's a logistical nightmare - not only the contortionism required, but also the practical problems involved here - do you use 1 huge bandage? Do you use several small band-aids? I decided on covering only the deepest areas cut and used 4 band-aids in the process. The rest of my day consisted of sitting and listening to clients for 7 1/2 hours, and driving for almost 3 hours. All while trying to ignore the sting on my right butt cheek.

Did I forget to tell you that after I got my butt bandaged that my hairdryer caught on fire? It did. The only good news here is that I was almost done drying my hair so it didn't look too heinous. I threw it away and am now using my travel hairdryer.

Late Night Edit: Holy cow! I almost forgot to tell you the part where insult was added to injury. Literally. The Neosporin I used to treat the Butt Cut gave me a rash. Now there is a swath of healing flesh under a layer of itchy-inflamed flesh. Sexy.

*Which actually wasn't broken. I was an idiot and set the snow shovel in front of the sensor. My dad had to come all the way (4 miles!) over here to figure it out for me. It's amazing I raised two children to teen-hood.

New Shoes to Stunt Your Growth For

Chinese Laundry, Devote in Red and Teal...
I couldn't decide...



Franco Sarto, (unbelieveably also called) Devote. In black.

Crackin' Me Up

So. Mackenzie asks me tonight, "Mom, can I start drinking coffee?"

And true to my Alternative-Parenting Style, and because I'm certain she won't like it, I say, "Sure."

"Ok, thanks."

At first, I just thought how sweet that she respects me enough to ask. And then I start to wonder why...

"Why do you want to drink coffee?"

"So I don't grow anymore."

Since last summer, she has surpassed me by 2 inches. I am thrilled with this. I hope her dad's DNA puts her closer to his 6-feet than my 5-feet. She, on the other hand, does not want to be bigger than me and has stated so on more than one occasion. I think it's sweet in a mildly disturbing sort-of-way. So I tell her, "Oh, Honey. I don't think coffee will really stunt your growth."

"I know, but I don't want to grow anymore."

"But why?"

"So I can still wear your shoes. You have great shoes."

Avoid Me

Within one hour of getting home from work today, I:

• smashed both of my pointer-fingers in a 200-pound* window...
• got a metal splinter in my thumb and then couldn't find my splinter tweezers...
• broke Mame's fish bowl, allowing 1 gallon of stinky fish-water to cascade over my cabinets, into my cabinets, onto the floor, under the stove, and leaving Mame floppping around perilously close to shards of glass...
• and almost broke a pane of glass in my front door when I opened it too far, smashing it against a wrought iron candle holder...

You should just steer clear of me today.

*may be a slight exaggeration

Things I Don't Get

Things I don't get:

• I love popcorn. I hate popcorn flavored Jelly Bellies. *shiver*
• Why I always find one piece of Christmas paraphernalia a week after I pack away Christmas.
• The movie, "Chicken Little". But Isabella seems to love it.
• Gin and Tonics.
• My Linksys.
• How my baby came to be 2 inches taller than I.
• Why we have to have below zero weather. Fahrenheit.
• ...and on a related note, why my ancestors parked their lazy asses in Indiana...and why, after the first winter here, they didn't keep moving to anywhere warmer?!
• 6-year-olds - I don't 'get' them, but they sure do crack me up...

Isabella spent the night here last night. And she is full of it. She brought 6 movies and thought we were going to watch all of them. When I told her, after 2 movies ("The Pacifier", which may make me reconsider my low opinion of Vin Diesel, and "Chicken Little", which I had to stop watching after 15 minutes because 'Oh! The stupid!'), that it was time for bed, she looked at me and exclaimed, "But Auntie! We didn't watch all our movies!" It only took me about 5 minutes to convince her that it would take until morning to watch all of them and if we stayed up to watch them, we would get in trouble with Mommy. When I put her to bed, I asked her where she wanted to sleep: In Mackenzie's bed (which was unoccupied as Mac was at Wago's with Sydney), or in my bed. She said, "Your bed." But when we got in my room, she informed me that she wanted to sleep "on the ground".

"On the ground?"

"Yes, on the ground."

"On the floor?"

"Yes, on the floor. Next to your bed."

"Why?"

"I like it there."

(Ok, if you say so...)

So I piled up two sheepskins in an effort to make the hardwood less ... hard, piled a blanket on top of that, and added a pillow. She seemed satisfied and kissed me goodnight.

She only bounced up twice. Once, to tell me that she "always" has to know where her water is in case she gets thirsty at night. I reminded her of the conversation we had 10 minutes previous where I informed her that I had put her water (while she was watching me) on the floor, about 6 inches from her head so she could reach it whenever she wanted. And I put her back to bed. 15 minutes later, she bounced up to tell me that her pillow was "too squishy." It was. I prefer those feather pillows that thin out to nothing and then your head is lying right on the mattress, causing you to wonder why you even bothered with a pillow in the whole first place, and apparently that's not her thing. I looked for a foam pillow but I didn't have one so I told her I would just give her two. She seemed ok with this and went back to bed. She didn't bounce up again. I think it may be a record.

I slept fitfully all night, worrying that she would decide to climb up in my bed in the middle of the night, scaring the crap out of Taiko. I'm not certain how long he would growl before biting if someone tried to climb in my bed in the middle of the night. (Rapists, beware.) Even Bella. But she didn't, and he didn't, and she slept until almost 9:00. She is invited back.

And then, against my better judgement (because who can resist this face - if you can your heart is made of cold, cold steel):



...I let her eat pancakes with syrup on my sofa. I win the Coolest Aunt Award (Or the Clueless Aunt Award. It's debatable.).

She didn't even spill and and we had a great, great time.

Moving On, Then

Have you ever felt like you were living in an endless loop of a Steve Martin movie? In the closing days of 2007,

• the kids left me alone for 5 days while they visited their dad
  
• the drain in the basement (and Dillon's man-cave) quit draining and consequently started flooding - I've carried about 5 buckets of water to the backyard in the past two days
  
• my washing machine started leaking
• I cut my finger with a knife eating cheese and crackers for dinner
  
• Taiko and I conspired to lock me out of the house when I went out to gather some Christmas lights. I had neither coat nor shoes; phone nor car keys. After waiting for about an hour in 34-degree weather, I had to break a window to get in.
• I learned the that tread-life on my tires is nearly shot
  
• My favorite curling iron died a slow, agonizing death, and I've been walking around the past several days with bad hair
• THFKAT* called to tell me he was bringing Mac home on the 2nd and would like to sit down to talk to me at that time. I haven't spoken to him since this day
• and apparently, I've reverted back to my old habit of lists and bullets when things start to go wrong
  

But...

2007 marked the year that I gained my self-respect and independence back. The year that I pulled myself up by my bootstraps and remembered the strong young woman I once was. The year I taught my children a lesson in perseverance. Even with the drama and flooding and bad hair days, I think it was an ok year and I'm ready for 2008.

Because according to Annie, 2008 will be The Year of Paige. And we should all listen to her because she is smart.

So hang on tight everyone, because here we go!!!

*The Husband Formerly Known as T (remember this - I will not repeat it later)

Past "Considerations"

“All you need is love.” - John Lennon

“I just like to smile. Smiling's my favorite .” -Buddy the Elf, Elf c. 2003

"Sometimes I think I should just keep my opinions to myself, she said, but someone has got to be the voice of reason." -Storypeople

"You don’t need to look for love, you only need to wait, for soulmates always find us. And just like a left foot needs a right foot, we all need a soulmate, and not unlike having two feet on the ground, it helps to be grounded before they arrive. And yet even if your goods are a little damaged, a true soulmate will always love you just the way you are. And remember...soulmates come in all shapes and sizes. They are family, friends, neighbors, co-workers, and at their best they are our true loves." ~a bottle of Philosophy Soulmates Grapefruit Gelee (purchased for the wedding)

“…someone to whom we feel profoundly connected, as though the communication and communing that take place between us were not the product of intentional efforts, but rather a divine grace. This kind of relationship is so important to the soul that many have said there is nothing more precious in life." ~Thomas Moore on ‘Soulmates’


“What wouldn’t I do… for the right guy.” ~Gillian Owens, Practical Magic

"Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open." ~ John Barrymore

“In the arithmetic of love one plus one equals everything and two minus one equals nothing.” -Mignon McLaughlin

“Are you a Good Witch or a Bad Witch?” – Glinda the Good Witch, Wizard of Oz c. 1939

"Have a heart that never hardens, and a temper that never tires, and a touch that never hurts." - Charles Dickens

“Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.” -Brendan Gill

"You get married at twenty, you're going to be shocked who you're living with at thirty." - Gregory House, MD

"A guy and a girl can be just friends, but at one point or another, they will fall for each other... maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe forever." - Dave Matthews

"Who says you can't go back, been all around the world and as a matter of fact
There's only one place left I want to go, who says you can't go home." - Bon Jovi

"I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that." ~Lloyd Dobler, Say Anything

2008 Reading List

• The Virgin's Lover by Phillipa Gregory
• A Northern Light by Jennifer Donnelly
• Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert
• Barefoot by Elin Hilderbrand
• Overcoming Autism by Lynn Kern Kogel, Ph.D and Claire LaZebnik
  
• Devil in the White City by Erik Larson (Hello. It's January 4th, 2009. I am still reading this book...Since October. Not. Good.)

OMG! Look at how sad this list is! And it's OCTOBER! I've been just so dang busy this year and every time I sit down to read in the evenings, I fall asleep. *shrug*

The Here and Now

Did you ever have one of those days...?

Where you'd rather be somewhere else, with someone else, doing something else?

I felt like that all day yesterday, with the result that to keep my mind off of it, I worked from 8-4, then came home and scurried around until 1am. I took down my Christmas tree, unpacked the 12 boxes of books sitting in the corner of the dining room (finding a boat-load of socks, underwear and bras that the packers used for filler in the boxes), moved and filled a bookcase, redecorated the empty spaces my absent Christmas decorations left, cleaned up the kitchen, reorganized my sock, underwear and bra drawers (see above), and drank 2 glasses of wine.

Finally, at 1:17am, the 29th was over and I could go to bed. I think I fell asleep immediately, but slept restlessly and woke up with the same brooding thoughts that haunted me in my sleep. There is still much to do, and Dillon comes home today (Mac not until the 2nd), so I need to get moving. I'm hoping that the constant activity will help keep my mind off of what I'm missing and on the here and now.

Oh, Edna Mae...

My mom is a hairdresser.

She has some Crazy clients.

Enter into evidence "Edna Mae":

Edna Mae returns her corn to the the store when the end of it is chewed on by bugs. The rest of us just cut that part off.

Edna Mae has returned bananas to the store because they turned brown.

Edna Mae has returned meat because she decided she didn't need all of the meat she purchased. You return sweaters when you buy too many - you don't return meat.

But today! Today my mom had a story that tops all the rest:

This morning, Edna Mae came into Mom's shop and told Mom about how, on the way there, two deer ran out in front of her car and she almost hit them. And she couldn't get her hair done yet because she had to call 9-1-1.

Mom said, "911?"

Edna Mae said, "Yes! Someone needs to know about those two deer! The could have caused me to wreck my car! Someone needs to do something!"

Mom tried to discourage her from calling 911. Mostly because Mom didn't need the aggravation of the Fire Department pulling up in front of her place of business with their Ginormous Red Fire Engine in response to Edna Mae's call.

But Edna Mae wouldn't listen. She called 911.

And she told them about how she was driving in her car and two deer ran out in front of her and how it was a dangerous situation and how someone needs to do something because someone could be killed.

And I asked Mom, "What did she want them to do? Send two cops out to talk to the deer? Did she want them to cuff them and haul them downtown? Did she think they would execute a man(deer)hunt? WHAT, EXACTLY DID SHE THINK THEY COULD DO ABOUT IT???"

Mom was speechless.

The dispatcher told Edna Mae that she had the wrong number.

And Edna Mae gave it up.

But now I feel so insecure that there are two rogue deer in town willy-nilly running in front of cars, recklessly trying to forage for food and risking my life for their own self-preservation!

I should call someone.

"The Time Has Come, the Walrus Said..."

I didn't want to write because I didn't want to sound sad.

And I'm not sad, per se. (How do you spell per se?) I'm just a little weirded-out.

One year ago today I asked my husband of 15 years for a divorce.

Today, the kids left for their first visit with their dad since the divorce.

And I did not cry. (Mostly, anyway.)

I did:

• balance my checkbook
• pay bills
• put plastic on 2 of the 8 windows in my living room (sexy)
• corral dustbunnies
• gather up Christmas paraphernalia
• organize my office supplies
• make Mackenzie's bed
• eat all the peanut clusters and chocolate-dipped pretzels
• take a bubble bath
• go to bed early (but not fall asleep)
  
• read (The Virgin's Lover)
• catch another cold
  

I didn't know what else to do - I just knew I needed to keep moving. Mom called me and asked if I wanted to come over for dinner. But I ate leftover Gumbo at 3:00 so I wasn't hungry for dinner and I feel like crap, so I went to bed instead.

Tomorrow will be better.

Happy Holidays!

From Paige, Dillon, Mackenzie and Taiko...

So I've Been a Little Preoccupied

First, I bought this:



Then, I cut this:



Now I'm doing my damnedest to survive this:



All while working 6 days a week.

I'm open for suggestions.

But scratch the wine. I've already tried it and it doesn't really help.