With someone I was not only NOT dating, but someone that I wouldn’t date in a million, zillion, kajillion years.
He is my neighbor. We’ll call him Eager Beaver. EB for short. He came over on the day that Ann-Marie and I were putting the For Sale sign out in front of my house. And like a couple of girls, we couldn’t get the job done. He muscled it into the ground for us and when he asked about the move to San Diego, I let him know about the divorce and the Indiana Plans. Before he walked off, he mentioned that he wanted to take me to lunch before I left for putting up with his extensive crap while I worked at the Association. While he was not the worst Resident, he was a pain in the butt... with some rage issues. But he was always polite to me. And not thinking much of it, as he is not the only one to make such an offer, I said yes.
But then like a date, he opened every door for me (even after I told him to cut it out). And during the course of lunch, he suggested that we:
- go hiking
- go hit golf balls
- go to dinner
- go shopping because he “needs a woman’s opinion”
- go to the beach
All of which I politely refused. (This is also the Lunch Date that did not eat.) He did not get the picture because about a week later, he called me and asked me out. I told him, “I’m sorry, EB, I’m just not ready to date and the kids aren’t ready for me to date yet.” Somehow I got him off the phone that day, but then later, he came into my office to ‘chat’. Then I saw him driving past the back of my house several times (in 2 years I have NEVER seen him drive by - he lives in the building perpendicular to mine and doesn’t have to drive down the street behind my house, where I park, to go anywhere.) Then last week, he called to ask me out again, at which point I reminded him of my earlier “I’m-Not-Ready-To-Date” Speech, to which he responded, “It’s not a date. I just enjoy your company and you’re leaving in a month anyway, so it’s not a date.” I told him I was just not comfortable with going out no matter what he called it, and he would Not Take NO for an answer, prompting me to reach in the deep, dark, recesses of my memory and drag out what I remember of The Break-Up Conversation - I even think I threw in a, “It’s not you, it’s me” or two. I apologized, I told him I was flattered but just not ready, and it was just not going to happen. There was an awkward moment where I said, “I’ll see you around.” A stunned silence during which I said, “Bye”, and hung up in disbelief. And I thought it was over. That was last Friday.
But it was not over:
EB came into my office yesterday to pay his HOA Fee, and looked right past Beth and Julie (new girl) who were sitting there, and said to me, “You’ve got to come outside and see what I got.” I was hoping it was a bunny or maybe some cookies. I like cookies.
It wasn’t. It was a car. A sports car. A Black, Toyota Supra WITH A GIANT FIN ON THE BACK. Folks, it is physically impossible for me to get worked up over a car. And as far as cars go, while I don’t judge a person by what they drive, I do believe that what you drive says a lot about you. And a Black Toyota Supra WITH A GIANT FIN, on a 43 year old single guy says, “I may be 43, but I’ve never matured past 23.” Holy Crap.
Then, while we were standing there, he asked me out AGAIN. I said no AGAIN. He BEGGED. He said he was “smitten” with me (I swear to God, I am not lying. I couldn’t MAKE this stuff up!) and that I was “his type”. How could I possibly be His Type when he is the Antithesis of My Type?!?!?! He was literally standing in the middle of my parking lot, with his arms out, asking me what he had to do to get me to go out with him.
And because I am WEAK, I told him that I will not change my mind, but if I do, he will be the first to know. So he gave me his email address. And home number. And cell number. So that no matter what time of day it was, if I decided to go out with him, he would know immediately.
Dear God,
Why does Hell look like Northern Virginia?
Paige.
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