Geography ala Grandma Hazel

I spent almost 3 hours of my day today killing time at a McDonalds in Attica, IN. (I have a very important job* that requires me, on occasion, to go somewhere, pop in, then make myself scarce for a couple hours before I re-pop. And as the library in Attica is closed on a Sunday (actually, I just assumed that it was closed because the other libraries in this particular county and a couple of surrounding counties are closed on Sundays... huh. I should check on that.))

Anyway, while at aforementioned McDonalds, the church crowd (or to be exact, two different waves of church crowds (talk about some racy clothes there - deep in the midwest, low-income city, churchy folk - yikes)) flowed through while yours truly sat and wrote reports alone at a table-for-two. When I arrived, there was already an older couple sitting across the aisle from me, on the same side of the table, facing everything that was behind me. And I hear the woman say, "They're from Asia."

And the husband said, "Mexico, I think."

And the woman replied, "Nooo, Asia. That's where China and Korea and Hong Kong and all those little island-places are."

And I listened to them debate for a couple of minutes more where Asia was and what countries were involved until I just couldn't stand it anymore and turned around to see the Asians who had started such controversy in a small, historical, river town.

And they were Latino. Which led me to wonder what they were doing in Asia...

@@@@@

I'm not really done talking about the phenomenon I witnessed today - let's recap: a city which shares a name with a dangerous prison, a church crowd, bad clothes, midwest hair, and the freakiest thing of all - the entire patonage (each wave considered separately, of course) of McDonalds knew each other well enough to stop at tables to inquire about Aunt Milly, or to switch seats thereby mixing up the mingling, to scoot a baby, still in it's highchair, across two rows of tables so as to situate it closer to grandma (?). There was even hollering (yes, there was 'hollering') across the restaurant. There was kissing goodbye and harried moms. It was all very Felliniesque and it creeped my shit out.

*On re-read, this sounds pompous - I was going for sarcastic...

Proof That You Can't Believe Everything You Read On the Internet

If you search "your sexy mom with big fat boobs" on AOL search, moi comes up Numero Uno out of 82,600:


Sorry to disappoint, Ft. Worth.

File Under: Fun with StatCounter

Overheard In the Kitchen

Dillon: "Did you know I haven't been sleeping?"

Me: "What? No! Why aren't you sleeping?"

"I don't know."

"Have you been drinking energy drinks late in the day?"

"No."

(As I walk away, into the living room.) "Have you been taking naps during the day?"

Dillon and Mac: "WHAT?"

Me: "HAVE YOU BEEN TAKING NAPS DURING THE DAY?"

Mac: "Dude. I thought she said, 'Have you been masturbating during the day.'"

Dillon: "Me too. And, hey! I'll masturbate whenever I want!"

Need I Whine Further?

One of Those "Huh" Moments...

So I was driving home from work today minding my own business, singing Fergie on the radio, when just as I approached a downtown intersection, I heard sirens. I slowed down though the light had just turned green and we were barely driving at a snail's pace anyway, and looked 360-degrees around me. To my left, just arriving at the intersection, was an ambulance in full alert status - lights, siren, AND weird-emergency-vehicle-horn. So I put on my brakes and slowed down further.

And at precisely that moment a horn directly behind me blared! I looked in my rearview mirror to see who the inattentive asshole was. It was a blue-haired, barely-see-over-the-steering-wheel, walker-jockey who was driving her doddering husband (or lover - who am I to judge) around in their gold Impala.

And I drove the rest of the way home wondering: since when did Grandmas get so bitchy? I SOOOOO wanted to put Lucy in park, walk back to her driver's side window and ask her if the nasty-horn- sounding was really necessary and if that was how her mother raised her to behave. But I didn't. I just came home instead, chuckling at how crummy her life must be if she has to honk at those going slower than what she considers optimal intersection traversing velocity.

Paige & Mackenzie Play With the Camera

We thought it was time for us to take a new "Girls Photo." It had been a while.

So we took one... two... and then what you can't see is that just before the shutter clicked in the third photo, Taiko jumped right in front of the camera. It was hi-lar-i-ous.

Especially since you can't see the dog at all!

Best Google Search Ever From My Statcounter

"pics of grils in brole and panes"

Verbatim.

I come up #5 in this Google Search. I can only assume this poor, horny, illiterate bastard from Washington, DC was actually wanting to see "pictures of girls in bra and panties". Instead he found me.

...And I never wear bra and panties.

I Can't Make This Stuff Up

Apparently, while 2008 is the Year of Paige, January is the Month of Misfortune for Paige. I'm assuming this will mean that the rest of the year will finally start looking up.

First, there was the Week of Broken Glass (door, fishbowl, almost door, almost window...),

Then, there was the Week of Household Breakage (curling iron, basement drain, humidifier, dishwasher, garage door*...),

And now we are looking at the the Week of Bathroom Incidents:

Tuesday. I woke up at 6am, jumped in the shower, and began my normal routine... wash and condition hair. Shave under arms. Rinse razor.

(And this is where things got dicey...)

When I swiped the razor (with new blades) behind me to catch some shower water, I got all 3 blades dangerously close to my right buttocks, and sliced myself from hip to mid-bootie. An 8-inch swath of stinging flesh. I checked to see if I was bleeding. Nope. But it stung! Check again. Nope! Finish showering and shaving the legs while periodically checking the bootie for a blood trail.

It wasn't until I got out that the extent of damage was obvious. All over my white towels.

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to bandage your own butt? It's a logistical nightmare - not only the contortionism required, but also the practical problems involved here - do you use 1 huge bandage? Do you use several small band-aids? I decided on covering only the deepest areas cut and used 4 band-aids in the process. The rest of my day consisted of sitting and listening to clients for 7 1/2 hours, and driving for almost 3 hours. All while trying to ignore the sting on my right butt cheek.

Did I forget to tell you that after I got my butt bandaged that my hairdryer caught on fire? It did. The only good news here is that I was almost done drying my hair so it didn't look too heinous. I threw it away and am now using my travel hairdryer.

Late Night Edit: Holy cow! I almost forgot to tell you the part where insult was added to injury. Literally. The Neosporin I used to treat the Butt Cut gave me a rash. Now there is a swath of healing flesh under a layer of itchy-inflamed flesh. Sexy.

*Which actually wasn't broken. I was an idiot and set the snow shovel in front of the sensor. My dad had to come all the way (4 miles!) over here to figure it out for me. It's amazing I raised two children to teen-hood.

New Shoes to Stunt Your Growth For

Chinese Laundry, Devote in Red and Teal...
I couldn't decide...



Franco Sarto, (unbelieveably also called) Devote. In black.

Crackin' Me Up

So. Mackenzie asks me tonight, "Mom, can I start drinking coffee?"

And true to my Alternative-Parenting Style, and because I'm certain she won't like it, I say, "Sure."

"Ok, thanks."

At first, I just thought how sweet that she respects me enough to ask. And then I start to wonder why...

"Why do you want to drink coffee?"

"So I don't grow anymore."

Since last summer, she has surpassed me by 2 inches. I am thrilled with this. I hope her dad's DNA puts her closer to his 6-feet than my 5-feet. She, on the other hand, does not want to be bigger than me and has stated so on more than one occasion. I think it's sweet in a mildly disturbing sort-of-way. So I tell her, "Oh, Honey. I don't think coffee will really stunt your growth."

"I know, but I don't want to grow anymore."

"But why?"

"So I can still wear your shoes. You have great shoes."

Avoid Me

Within one hour of getting home from work today, I:

• smashed both of my pointer-fingers in a 200-pound* window...
• got a metal splinter in my thumb and then couldn't find my splinter tweezers...
• broke Mame's fish bowl, allowing 1 gallon of stinky fish-water to cascade over my cabinets, into my cabinets, onto the floor, under the stove, and leaving Mame floppping around perilously close to shards of glass...
• and almost broke a pane of glass in my front door when I opened it too far, smashing it against a wrought iron candle holder...

You should just steer clear of me today.

*may be a slight exaggeration

Things I Don't Get

Things I don't get:

• I love popcorn. I hate popcorn flavored Jelly Bellies. *shiver*
• Why I always find one piece of Christmas paraphernalia a week after I pack away Christmas.
• The movie, "Chicken Little". But Isabella seems to love it.
• Gin and Tonics.
• My Linksys.
• How my baby came to be 2 inches taller than I.
• Why we have to have below zero weather. Fahrenheit.
• ...and on a related note, why my ancestors parked their lazy asses in Indiana...and why, after the first winter here, they didn't keep moving to anywhere warmer?!
• 6-year-olds - I don't 'get' them, but they sure do crack me up...

Isabella spent the night here last night. And she is full of it. She brought 6 movies and thought we were going to watch all of them. When I told her, after 2 movies ("The Pacifier", which may make me reconsider my low opinion of Vin Diesel, and "Chicken Little", which I had to stop watching after 15 minutes because 'Oh! The stupid!'), that it was time for bed, she looked at me and exclaimed, "But Auntie! We didn't watch all our movies!" It only took me about 5 minutes to convince her that it would take until morning to watch all of them and if we stayed up to watch them, we would get in trouble with Mommy. When I put her to bed, I asked her where she wanted to sleep: In Mackenzie's bed (which was unoccupied as Mac was at Wago's with Sydney), or in my bed. She said, "Your bed." But when we got in my room, she informed me that she wanted to sleep "on the ground".

"On the ground?"

"Yes, on the ground."

"On the floor?"

"Yes, on the floor. Next to your bed."

"Why?"

"I like it there."

(Ok, if you say so...)

So I piled up two sheepskins in an effort to make the hardwood less ... hard, piled a blanket on top of that, and added a pillow. She seemed satisfied and kissed me goodnight.

She only bounced up twice. Once, to tell me that she "always" has to know where her water is in case she gets thirsty at night. I reminded her of the conversation we had 10 minutes previous where I informed her that I had put her water (while she was watching me) on the floor, about 6 inches from her head so she could reach it whenever she wanted. And I put her back to bed. 15 minutes later, she bounced up to tell me that her pillow was "too squishy." It was. I prefer those feather pillows that thin out to nothing and then your head is lying right on the mattress, causing you to wonder why you even bothered with a pillow in the whole first place, and apparently that's not her thing. I looked for a foam pillow but I didn't have one so I told her I would just give her two. She seemed ok with this and went back to bed. She didn't bounce up again. I think it may be a record.

I slept fitfully all night, worrying that she would decide to climb up in my bed in the middle of the night, scaring the crap out of Taiko. I'm not certain how long he would growl before biting if someone tried to climb in my bed in the middle of the night. (Rapists, beware.) Even Bella. But she didn't, and he didn't, and she slept until almost 9:00. She is invited back.

And then, against my better judgement (because who can resist this face - if you can your heart is made of cold, cold steel):



...I let her eat pancakes with syrup on my sofa. I win the Coolest Aunt Award (Or the Clueless Aunt Award. It's debatable.).

She didn't even spill and and we had a great, great time.

Moving On, Then

Have you ever felt like you were living in an endless loop of a Steve Martin movie? In the closing days of 2007,

• the kids left me alone for 5 days while they visited their dad
  
• the drain in the basement (and Dillon's man-cave) quit draining and consequently started flooding - I've carried about 5 buckets of water to the backyard in the past two days
  
• my washing machine started leaking
• I cut my finger with a knife eating cheese and crackers for dinner
  
• Taiko and I conspired to lock me out of the house when I went out to gather some Christmas lights. I had neither coat nor shoes; phone nor car keys. After waiting for about an hour in 34-degree weather, I had to break a window to get in.
• I learned the that tread-life on my tires is nearly shot
  
• My favorite curling iron died a slow, agonizing death, and I've been walking around the past several days with bad hair
• THFKAT* called to tell me he was bringing Mac home on the 2nd and would like to sit down to talk to me at that time. I haven't spoken to him since this day
• and apparently, I've reverted back to my old habit of lists and bullets when things start to go wrong
  

But...

2007 marked the year that I gained my self-respect and independence back. The year that I pulled myself up by my bootstraps and remembered the strong young woman I once was. The year I taught my children a lesson in perseverance. Even with the drama and flooding and bad hair days, I think it was an ok year and I'm ready for 2008.

Because according to Annie, 2008 will be The Year of Paige. And we should all listen to her because she is smart.

So hang on tight everyone, because here we go!!!

*The Husband Formerly Known as T (remember this - I will not repeat it later)

Past "Considerations"

“All you need is love.” - John Lennon

“I just like to smile. Smiling's my favorite .” -Buddy the Elf, Elf c. 2003

"Sometimes I think I should just keep my opinions to myself, she said, but someone has got to be the voice of reason." -Storypeople

"You don’t need to look for love, you only need to wait, for soulmates always find us. And just like a left foot needs a right foot, we all need a soulmate, and not unlike having two feet on the ground, it helps to be grounded before they arrive. And yet even if your goods are a little damaged, a true soulmate will always love you just the way you are. And remember...soulmates come in all shapes and sizes. They are family, friends, neighbors, co-workers, and at their best they are our true loves." ~a bottle of Philosophy Soulmates Grapefruit Gelee (purchased for the wedding)

“…someone to whom we feel profoundly connected, as though the communication and communing that take place between us were not the product of intentional efforts, but rather a divine grace. This kind of relationship is so important to the soul that many have said there is nothing more precious in life." ~Thomas Moore on ‘Soulmates’


“What wouldn’t I do… for the right guy.” ~Gillian Owens, Practical Magic

"Happiness often sneaks in through a door you didn't know you left open." ~ John Barrymore

“In the arithmetic of love one plus one equals everything and two minus one equals nothing.” -Mignon McLaughlin

“Are you a Good Witch or a Bad Witch?” – Glinda the Good Witch, Wizard of Oz c. 1939

"Have a heart that never hardens, and a temper that never tires, and a touch that never hurts." - Charles Dickens

“Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.” -Brendan Gill

"You get married at twenty, you're going to be shocked who you're living with at thirty." - Gregory House, MD

"A guy and a girl can be just friends, but at one point or another, they will fall for each other... maybe temporarily, maybe at the wrong time, maybe too late, or maybe forever." - Dave Matthews

"Who says you can't go back, been all around the world and as a matter of fact
There's only one place left I want to go, who says you can't go home." - Bon Jovi

"I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that." ~Lloyd Dobler, Say Anything

2008 Reading List

• The Virgin's Lover by Phillipa Gregory
• A Northern Light by Jennifer Donnelly
• Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert
• Barefoot by Elin Hilderbrand
• Overcoming Autism by Lynn Kern Kogel, Ph.D and Claire LaZebnik
  
• Devil in the White City by Erik Larson (Hello. It's January 4th, 2009. I am still reading this book...Since October. Not. Good.)

OMG! Look at how sad this list is! And it's OCTOBER! I've been just so dang busy this year and every time I sit down to read in the evenings, I fall asleep. *shrug*