Crazy Wrangling

I told a friend I was not going to give these 3 whack-jobs anymore of my energy, but I'm sorry. I thought about it and decided that you, The Internet, deserve to share in the extent of my pain:

First, Mr. Potbelly came in. He first came in on Monday, and wanted to know who was responsible for not removing the leaves on his lawn. He contended that 2/3 of the property was entirely cleaned of leafy debris. Everywhere, except for his lawn. I told him that the "Leaf Collection" hadn't actually begun and wasn't scheduled to begin until the 13th, that the cleaner lawns he saw were from blowing and mowing, and I started to disagree with him that his lawn was the only one with leaves, when it occurred to me that while I don't believe this to be true, I didn't actually inspect the entire neighborhood that day and therefore I would be making an uninformed statement. But I did assure him that I would do my best to find out what was happening.

On the way home that afternoon, I looked. There were approximately 70 gajillion leaves between my office and my house, also known as the "2/3 of the property that was deviod of leaves." Big. Fat. Liar!

He came back on Wednesday to ask if I'd found anything out. I explained to him how I had talked to the Landscapers and exactly what I had told him on Monday still stood. He argued with me. I told him, "Look. I talked to the supervisor last night. The bottom line is that I can't explain why you think other yards are cleaner than yours; the fact remains that they aren't doing leaf collection until next Monday."

(PLEASE REALIZE, INTERNET, THAT FALL IS ONLY HALF OVER AND THEY'RE COMPLAINING THAT THERE ARE LEAVES ON THE GROUND!!!) I'm sorry for yelling at you. I am just very frustrated. Pass the tequila, please.

An hour later: Ms. Space Cadet called. When I answered the phone, she let loose a tsunami of words that were meant to state her case, even though I had No Idea who she was and why she may need to defend herself to me. After I got her name, address and complaint, which was an Architectural Violation, I asked her to slow down and gave her the Very Simple answer to her problem: "Your shed in not in compliance because the end of it that faces the street is painted 2 different colors. It needs to be EITHER the color of your side OR the color of your neighbors side. If you have leftover paint, take 5 minutes, go outside, and paint it all one color. Then all of this will all go away."

And then she proceeded to argue with me for 10 minutes about why this was wrong and how she should not be expected to do it. Finally, since there was no more I could do for her, I gave her the instructions to appeal the violation, at which point she said (and I shit you not), "Hey! What if I just get a roller and go out and paint it all my green color? Then it will be ok, right?"

Yes. She actually said those words.

My last call of the day was from "Roger, Angry Man with a Small Penis": He said he was calling from the company that managed the rental property on Blah-Blah Boulevard. He wanted to know what the Architectural Violation on the gate at that address was all about because it was functional. I told him what while it may be 'functional' it was not in compliance with the Association By-Laws because it hadn't been maintained, and was, in fact, ugly. He thought that by increasing his volume and telling me again that the gate was FINE, I would change my mind and agree with him. He was wrong. I gave him the same story I gave Ms. Space Cadet, "If you would like to appeal the decision, send me an email and I will forward it to the Architectural Committee."

He really didn't like that answer. At which point he got rude enough that I should have hung up. But I didn't. Instead, I listened long enough to realize that he was not who he said he was.

"WAIT. If you are not the Owner, and not the Property Manager, who are you?" (Which, in retrospect, may have come out all nasty-like.)

Folks, he was the Contractor. I was on the phone, arguing with a contractor about the gate on a house! "I'm sorry, your Contractor title does not trump my Architectural Committee." I told him to have the Real Property Manager call me and hung up on him.

And THAT was yesterday.

And I went back today.

And YES, I do think I deserve a medal.