Bringing Sexy Back

I couldn't find any Hydrocortisone. But I was desperate, so I went back to that bottle I'd been ignoring. It brought back so many memories of my childhood - hikes and camping trips that frequently ended up in Poison Ivy. Is there anything more distinctive than the color and smell of Calamine lotion?

I didn't want to have to go there, but my ears are burning (and not in an oh, someone's talking about me sort of way) and red and swollen; they are scaly and bumpy and itchy (sexy, I know), as is the surrounding 2 inches of skin and the back of my neck. It's bad. It started yesterday morning and has gotten worse and worse over the past 2 days until tonight, when I was ready to rip my ears off, just to rid myself of the discomfort.

I wracked my brain, trying to figure it out. All I could think was that I had my hair returned to it's natural state (minus 4 inches (!!)) on Monday. Maybe my ears were a reaction to the chemicals? But my scalp was fine... not to mention the fact that Omm used the same haircolor she's been using for the past 13 years...

Then all of a sudden it hit me - sometimes, when I wear my glasses, the skin behind my ears is raw and itchy the next day (which for most people, would make them think they were allergic and they would stop wearing the glasses - me, not so much as I am Stubborn). I wore my glasses Monday night whilst studying for my Tuesday morning interview. Duh.

Unfortunately, this "A-Ha Moment" didn't solve the problem - I was still uncomfortable and distracted and whining like a big fat baby to anyone who would listen.

So back to the Tub-O-Pharmaceuticals I went, zeroing in on the Calamine Lotion. But when I picked it up, I noticed how it had the distinctive air of "Flea Market". The bottle actually stated, "Shatterproof Bottle" in big letters, right on the front. Remember when plastic bottles were considered an evolutionary advance for humans? I turned the bottle over, not expecting to find an expiration date. "1/88." January 1988. (Which probably means it was purchased about 3 years earlier.) Seriously. Think about it... what were you doing in 1988? That was a DAMN long time ago.

Regardless of this scary fact, I was desperate (remember the desperation?) ...so I shook the antique Calamine Lotion up. I smelled it. And as it smelled exactly like it was supposed to, I grabbed a cotton ball and now I'm sporting chalky pink ears and neck, the scent unmistakably Eau de Summer, 1985.