Hehehe.
Nothing like writing a post about S. E. X. and then disappearing for a week and a half...
Well.
This is my 500th post. I thought, for this event, I was going to write something witty and incredibly insightful, perhaps on the Art of Writing, perhaps on the Psychology of Why we do it, perhaps on how my life has changed so drastically since I started this nearly three-and-a-half years ago.
I even thought, before I remembered that this was my 500th, about quitting altogether. I don't write Political Pieces. I don't keep a commentary on Pop Culture. I don't write a Mommy Blog that other Mommys can relate to. I write Me. What I think. What I feel. What I do day-to-day and why a certain instance cracked me up enough to share it with you or how some Crazy from my job enraged me enough to want to rant about it. (On the Internet. With reckless abandon.) I started this blog back in 2003, while stationed overseas so my family and friends had an easy and quick (and free) way to keep track of what we were up to and how the kids were growing and enjoying Japan. But as we transitioned back into a more mundane life in the States, the tenor of my writing changed. It became less of a running commentary on the thing that is Life In Japan, and more of an escape for me.
And now, unfortunately, much of what is happening in my day-to-day life is not only not funny, it's painfully private. And that makes much of what I have to say off-limits. I know that there are a few old acquaintances reading, I can only assume to see the spectacle that is Paige and Tater's Divorce. (Sorry to disappoint you. You will see none of that here.) I suspect that my In-Laws read and as I'm divorcing their Golden Boy, I prefer not to give them any more ammo to hate me with. I fear that T himself is reading and, frankly, I hate feeling that he knows things about me that I don't know about him any longer. (On the other hand, it gives him a regular-ish update of what the kids are doing - you know - who is earning blue ribbons swimming, who is catching himself on fire, who is the girlfriend/boyfriend of the week...)
The bottom line is that I'm unsure if I should continue or even if I can continue while preserving a huge chunk of myself. I'm not used to that. The Paige you've seen for the past 3 years is mostly unedited and honest. I've felt more and more, the need to censor myself and if you know me in person, you know that I'm by nature open and frank; self-censorship is not my strong suit.
I don't know. I'm still pondering. Perhaps this is just one of these pesky speed bumps that all of us writers feel from time to time and in the end, I won't be able to stop.
What I do know is that this is what I am feeling today, this very moment.
But tomorrow is another day.
13 comments:
I can totally see what you are saying and understand if the cartwheels stop turning. I'd miss you though. You inspire me to be a better mother and I've even gleaned some practicial how-to's along the way. I marvel at the relationship you have with your children, and at the children themselves. You remind me to find the humor in situations that otherwise would turn me into a raving lunatic. You are a very talented and creative girl so I am sure that you will find whatever way to express yourself that best suits you. (eg - just look at your photography!)
You are much more techno-savvy than I will ever be, so I am sure you have already thought of this, but a friend of mine keeps a second blog that is password protected or something like that and only she reads it. Not even her closest friends or family. It is a truly private digital diary.
Whatever you decide, thank you for being an un-censored, but dignified and intellegent,
non-Stepford voice for real mothers/women.
I love quitting blogs.
Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming.
Heart.
I have to agree with maryb. The one thing that attracted me to your blog (remember, I was a stranger that just kept hitting "next blog") was your amazing way of making parenthood seem so effortless...I strive to have a relationship with my girls like you have with your kids. It's so inspiring.
And while things seem to be so down-and-out right now, I can only imagine that you're on your way up. I believe that the good times are coming.
My dad always says "what does not kill us, makes us stronger". And I believe it. You're going to come out of all of this as a new Paige...With a new lease on life. I hope for selfish reasons you continue to elighten us with your creativity (both in writing and with pictures) for 3 more years. I love clicking on the link from my journal to yours and reading something funny, or something that truly makes me stop and think.
Don't you dare go anywhere. Don't you dare dissappear into the bytes of the internet. I will come hunt you down!
And on that note.... Have a great evening. :-)
Hmph.
For some reason I have The Facts of Life theme song stuck in my head as I was reading your post.
You are right. They read, he reads, we read. It's up to you to decide if you want to give us something to read. If some of that "they" are reading for purposes other than because they love you and your beautiful family, then how very very sad for them. You said - no ammo here - what point is it in there lives to keep following?
Girlie, you right You, and we read because we love You. If you decide not to write, well, you better get used to receiving a lot of phone calls (not from me of course) and a lot of email. But we will still love You!
It makes the totally anonymous blog start to look really good doesn't it? It's a tricky place in which to find yourself. You'll figure out what is best for you and the kids and you'll do that. And those of us who love you will still know where to find you.
Oh My God. Amazing comments. This is why I keep writing. For you guys. I know I should just get over whomever else is reading for whatever motivation, but I think about it every time I sit down at the computer to write. Which is why my posts have been so few and far between lately. The things I have to say are too perosnal - even info about the kids I want to keep to my self lately. Maybe this is just normal feelings one has when Life around her is falling down about her ears.
Bottom line: I love you guys. Thank you. You are amazing to me.
Like I always say, "When in doubt, ask the Internet. They know everything."
Hugs. P
My dearest Paige,
I have known you for a long time, through good times and bad, highs and lows. I admit, I have been one of the "quiet" participants in your blog but an avid fan and daily reader. Your blog, to be completely honest, makes my day. I love hearing what you have to say. I love reading your funny stories, the updates on the kids, your unmatchable way of dealing with life, whatever it throws your way - not just now but since the day I met you. Remember that day? I do. You were the amazingly "put-together" one in my child psychology class. While the rest of us showed up in sweats, definintely no make-up, and possibly not showered - in walked Paige, every day. Great outfit, hair done, make-up on... an ambitious student, hardworker and proud mother. Alot has changed over the years, but one thing has remained the same. You are an amazing woman. Nothing has changed about that my friend! I can appreciate why you are being so protective in a very fragile time for you. You wear your soul on your sleeve and make the rest of us feel like our day-to-day lives as mothers, wives, sisters and friends are validated. You are a talented writer and have a definite talent to inspire those around you.
That said, I'd hate to see you go, but really... no pressure.
Love you,
Jen
I can see how you would want to stop after being put down and not apperciated for the wonderful talented person that you are, but you are well on you way back to the top . You can do or be whatever you want. Life is yours go out and grab yourself a big hunk... Take that "hunk' thing however you want..
Eh. We've discussed this. I understand. But if you go anonymous, I expect the link in my inbox.
Hey! You were MY 1 of 4 that I invited along...
(Not that I think I in anyway rank in your top 4, especially considering I haven't blogged in a MONTH, but... whatever. Bite me.)
I understand where you are coming from. I do hope you will continue to write - selfishly I enjoy your writing! But more than that, I think it is such a good thing.
I've been blogging at www.vox.com and it has varying levels of privacy settings. You should check it out - it might be just the forum you need right now.
Don't quit. I'd miss you. And honestly, I'm curious about where your life's journey takes you.
I'm actually a neighbor of yours...found out about your blog in a roundabout way. You and I have met...but I guess friendship wasn't in the cards. Anyway, I think your blog is great. I have discovered many parallels in our lives (except I don't have even one-tenth of your talent). You need to write, that much is clear. Whether on this blog or a more private one is totally your call. All the best to you and your kids as you make your move this summer. I'll keep checking back to this site...
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