No, Really, I LOOOOOOVE My Job

It's been a long time since I've ranted about this, but you may recall that my job is in Property Management. I am the Homeowners Association Customer Service Rep/Site Manager for my neighborhood. It's just Me, part-time, and Wiley, the full-time maintenance man, against 500 homeowners. We are hideously outnumbered. (Well, Beth too, but she's not on site.)

So.

The residents of my neighborhood (aka Satan's Minions) must have heard my whining about how self-involved I've become lately and have come to the rescue by taking my mind off myself and focusing all my hostility and indignation back towards them. (It's true, I take my job too personally and have no business working in Property Management - just ask Beth. She agrees.)

Anyway, You, loyal readers, reap the benefits of that. Cheers to Satan's Minions!

*******

This is what I have learned during the past 3 days of Phone Answering Goddess Goodness:

A) It is, apparently, My Fault that the "Wintery Mix," which blanketed the DC Metro area last Tuesday has hardened into a frigid, crystalline, Siberian wasteland, making it virtually impossible to plow, much less shovel allowing freedom to the cars that remain ice-bound about the neighborhood. Residents - please discuss amongst yourselves the tragedy that has befallen yourselves whilst stuck in your cozy, lighted, heated homes for the past four days. Mr. Shackelton, we'll start with you.

2) The design flaw on Every Single Snow Plow on Earth, which allows some snow to cascade out the sides during the plowing motion of the vehicle is also My Fault. When this snow forms a little frozen glacier behind the cars in our parking lots, I am the Responsible Party for removing every last snowflake from behind Mrs. Bitch-a-lot's Pontiac so she can go stock up on more Bridge Mix for tonight's card game.

C) I have it on Excellent Authority (Thank You, Mrs. Nasty-Pants) that "when [I] plowed the streets, [I] did it wrong and left too much snow in the streets and piled the rest up in poor places." (This was a paraphrase, because quite honestly, after a few seconds of this call, all I heard was Charlie Brown's teacher. But the message was clear. It was My Fault.)

D) Crazy Grass Lady called to let me know that "her car had been plowed in and she couldn't get out for her CAT Scan which she needs because she has some disease (again, not listening), but that if the maintenance man - what's his name again?" Wiley "Oh, yes, Wiley - could come over, she has an ice pick that he can use and it's not really an ice pick, but it has a flat blade and it's adequate for chopping up ice, but she can't do it (she tried) because she's too weak but if he can come and help her, she will leave it inside the back gate and ...... blah, blah, blah ...... and she's willing to tip Wiley if he can just come over because she has a CAT Scan......" (That loud sound you hear is me banging my head against the wall.)

Wiley went over. I hope he got his tip.

E) Slow-Talking Man With Strange Voice Inflections called to let me know that "they didn't plow C** Drive because he's looking at it (he didn't actually walk over there but he can see it out his bedroom window) and he knows it hasn't been plowed because he can't see any pavement." Well, Mr. Slow-Talking Man With Strange Voice Inflection, we've surveyed the entire neighborhood and it has been plowed. I believe you can't see any pavement because that street is in the shade and the snow and ice hasn't started melting off yet. "No, on the street in front of my house, I can see pavement, so since I can't see any pavement on C** Dr., I don't think it's been plowed." Well, Mr. Slow-Talking Man With Strange Voice Inflection, the street in front of your house is in the sun and the snow has started melting there, that's why you can see pavement. The street in back is in the shade and hasn't started melting off yet. "I don't think so." Ok, thank you for calling Mr. You're An Idiot and It Scares the Crap Out of Me That You're A High School Teacher!

F) Crazy Grass Lady, Part Deux - "...also (as if she had NEVER EVEN STOPPED TALKING), they pushed too much snow over the sewer behind building 21, beside the lamp post, and it will never melt and when it does melt, it will be unable to drain, forming a pond in that portion of the parking area and then it will freeze at night and we will have an ice rink and that will be terribly dangerous..." (On the other hand, if you fall and damage your brain centers for speech, you can never call me again and ramble on in that insane way that you do that makes me Actually Crawl Up Walls, while rolling my eyes and sticking an ice pick in my ears...)

G) Ms. No Wonder She Never Got Married called to let me know it was My Fault "that she was missing work on Wednesday since her street hadn't been plowed yet". Ms. No Wonder You Never Got Married, that street is County-Owned and the Association doesn't maintain it. It's the County's responsibility to plow it. "Well, where are they? I'm missing work!" in a very high, insidious shrieky voice. I don't know, Ms. No Wonder You Never Got Married, it was not MY day to be in charge of the COUNTY!

(No, I didn't really say that, but don't you wish I had?)

Drill Down Stats:

• 47 Residents Bitched that we didn't plow early enough. (This is because it was not our community's turn to be First.)
• 1 Resident Bitched that we plowed - it would have been better if we hadn't. (I told her I had nothing to say to that. Seriously. I did totally say that.)
  
• 1 Resident anonymously called and Bitched in her shaky old-lady voice that we need to come over Right Now to see what a terrible job they did plowing T****** Ct. and then hung up before I could let her know that I recognized her voice (because if you're going to call and complain constantly then you lose the ability to be anonymous. Idiot.).
  
• 1 Resident Bitched that her sidewalk was not clean enough and if she had an emergency, the ambulance couldn't get to her. (After assuring her that the EMT's would, in fact, reach her in an emergency, and assuring her that the plow job was acceptable, I asked her: If you died, would it really be all that much of a tragedy? I mean, honestly, look how miserable you are. ...Except that I didn't actually say that last part out loud. I only thought it. Because I'm divorced now and poor and I need this job, awful as it is, for the next 4 months.)
• 1 Resident Bitched that Wiley didn't shovel ALL the sidewalks in the neighborhood (realize, please, that this is a job that would take a crew of 50 an entire day or more to accomplish). That was just stupid.
  
• 7 Nasty emails...

...and a Partridge in a Pear Treeeeeeeeeeeeeee!